Hands

This morning i woke up with lyrics to a song running through my head. For me, this is not uncommon. Usually it's a song that I'd heard the day before. I silently sing it all day long, perhaps belting a few lines out loud here and there, but mostly, just to myself. I think nothing of it, supposing it's normal, routine at most. But today the song made sense to me.

Yesterday was a horrible day. My kids, a 5 year old drama queen who's going to be starting kindergarten in a few weeks, and 3 year old triplets (need i say more?), had pushed me well beyond my breaking point. If i said everything they had done, or hadn't done that day, some might wonder how i've managed to stay out of the nut ward. I've wondered this myself...

Most days i can stay sane. I probably yell more than i care to admit. More often than not, leaving for work is something that pleasures me; not the job it's self, but the fact that i get a break a few hours a week. I miss them while I'm away from them. I think about the way Cammie gets a real serious look on her face when she asks questions about God, and how Carter talks with a "Brooklyn" accent. I think about Lilly singing her favorite song, over and over and over, and how Logan stutters when he talks because he has to say it just right or he'll start over a hundred times 'till he does.

Then i get home.

Instant chaos from the moment i walk through the door. Everything i didn't get to do: dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning...are waiting, along with 4 attention craving kids and my poor overworked husband. Most days i can handle it...not as well as I'd like, but i handle it.

God helps me.

On a rare occasion, a bad day will lead into a bad night. A night where i become bitter. Yesterday was a day like that.
I wanted to know why my kids were so out of control. I wanted to know why my husband keeps getting laid off and why we had to rent this stupid house, that isn't mine, because i want my own house, a house that i can do whatever i want to, that is organized and not sitting on the corner of Main and Harmony, but is sitting on top of a big hill, with trees around it. I wanted to know why my sister had had 2 miscarriages recently and why I'm so tired all the time and why it seems that no one really knows who i am.

I got a little mad at God.

I haven't done that in a long time.

I was fighting him. I was fighting his plan for me.

This morning after i got the kids a bowl of cereal and was waiting for my turn in the bathroom to get ready for church,i stepped out onto the front porch to collect myself. I started silently singing the song again.
"Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

God never stops amazing me.

He knows me better than anyone.