New

A few weeks ago at church, we were given an envelope with a blank piece of paper in it. On that paper we are to write down all of the things that we want God to make new in our lives. Next week we are going to turn in the envelopes and pray for those things listed for an entire year. I started writing mine 3 days ago. In 5 minutes i had the paper half full.
I'm not sure if having so many things to write down is a good thing or a bad thing. All i know is that right after i finished writing, God started working. He always does that. He doesn't wait for our lists to be complete.
He let me turn my life upside down; another thing he always does. I guess it's just something that i need to happen before i finally give in. You see, I'm a control freak. There are things i know i should start doing, or stop doing, but i wait until he makes me. You'd think i would have learned by now. Maybe i have. Maybe I'm trying. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
I've always believed in God.
I've only been a Christian for a little over a year.
To some that might be confusing.
A year ago, my life was turned upside down; again, something i let happen. Total chaos consumed me, everywhere i went, everything i did. Many people tried to help me, give me advise. Over top all of their voices there was one i heard loud and clear. "You need me." I did, more than anything, and still do. I'd heard that voice before. That time i didn't ignore it.
Change starts in the heart. Even though i haven't been completely changed yet, i have been made new.
I see things differently. I've become softer. I notice answered prayers, the most subtle ones. I don't just notice the sunsets or the way the clouds look, i get lost in them.
I know that soon then changes will start to show more on the outside. If it takes another year, I'll be OK with that...he knows what he's doing. I just hope i don't fight him as much as i've been known to do...

Hands

This morning i woke up with lyrics to a song running through my head. For me, this is not uncommon. Usually it's a song that I'd heard the day before. I silently sing it all day long, perhaps belting a few lines out loud here and there, but mostly, just to myself. I think nothing of it, supposing it's normal, routine at most. But today the song made sense to me.

Yesterday was a horrible day. My kids, a 5 year old drama queen who's going to be starting kindergarten in a few weeks, and 3 year old triplets (need i say more?), had pushed me well beyond my breaking point. If i said everything they had done, or hadn't done that day, some might wonder how i've managed to stay out of the nut ward. I've wondered this myself...

Most days i can stay sane. I probably yell more than i care to admit. More often than not, leaving for work is something that pleasures me; not the job it's self, but the fact that i get a break a few hours a week. I miss them while I'm away from them. I think about the way Cammie gets a real serious look on her face when she asks questions about God, and how Carter talks with a "Brooklyn" accent. I think about Lilly singing her favorite song, over and over and over, and how Logan stutters when he talks because he has to say it just right or he'll start over a hundred times 'till he does.

Then i get home.

Instant chaos from the moment i walk through the door. Everything i didn't get to do: dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning...are waiting, along with 4 attention craving kids and my poor overworked husband. Most days i can handle it...not as well as I'd like, but i handle it.

God helps me.

On a rare occasion, a bad day will lead into a bad night. A night where i become bitter. Yesterday was a day like that.
I wanted to know why my kids were so out of control. I wanted to know why my husband keeps getting laid off and why we had to rent this stupid house, that isn't mine, because i want my own house, a house that i can do whatever i want to, that is organized and not sitting on the corner of Main and Harmony, but is sitting on top of a big hill, with trees around it. I wanted to know why my sister had had 2 miscarriages recently and why I'm so tired all the time and why it seems that no one really knows who i am.

I got a little mad at God.

I haven't done that in a long time.

I was fighting him. I was fighting his plan for me.

This morning after i got the kids a bowl of cereal and was waiting for my turn in the bathroom to get ready for church,i stepped out onto the front porch to collect myself. I started silently singing the song again.
"Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

God never stops amazing me.

He knows me better than anyone.